The Wicker Man(2006)

3/10

"The Wicker Man"(aka "No Not the Bees") is a 2006 remake of the 1973 masterpiece of the same name. I did not have high standards for this film at all, because I'm not generally a Nicolas Cage fan, and I knew of this movie's terrible reputation. The only reason I own this film is because Amazon sent me it instead of the original by accident. After spending an hour and forty minutes of my time with this schlock, I honestly could not stop laughing. This may be the funniest excuse of cinema I have ever seen, and in an unintentional way. The acting was terrible, the dialogue was about as corny as one could get, and the CGI bees were just horrendous. While the flaws of this movie really docked it down as a horror flick, I definitely enjoyed it as a comedy in every sense. 

The premise of this film revolves around a cop named Edward Malus. He is injured in an explosion right off the bat, and then in the next few minutes he is called upon by his ex-lover Willow to save her missing daughter Rowan. To do this, Edward must travel to an island that is isolated from the rest of the world, and inhabited by a bunch of lunatic women.  I will say that the storyline was pretty awesome, but then I remember that this is a remake, so the plot's greatness doesn't mean squat for this disaster. 

The first curse(or blessing) to this film was the acting. Nicolas Cage didn't surprise me at all with his lackluster performance of 80 minutes monotone and 20 minutes as a completely hilarious lunatic. It makes me scratch my head to think that this same man was an Oscar winner at one point, because he proves to audiences in movies like this that his depth in acting is very very low. I can't say I regret seeing him in this film though, because he honestly gave me the perfect amount of laughter that I needed in my life. I don't even know if Cage realizes how foolish he made himself look in the movie. The women on the island were all very monotone in their performance, and in a sense that was a good and bad thing. In a good sense, it caused more mystery in who they were, but in a bad way it made their dialogue very very dry. 

The dialogue was almost as hysterical as the acting, as it seemed like it was written by a seventh grader. One of the funniest examples is during the climax when the only thing that Cage says is, "B$&@&es" repeatedly. He could've honestly given a memorable line like "A Madhouse" from Planet of the Apes, but no he just spewed out juvenile vulgarities to prove that there was no thought process into making this script. 

The "not the bees" scene/torture scene may be one of the most iconic bad movie scenes I've ever seen, and it's basically the only reason why this movie ever got a 3.  It is the most inappropriately melodramatic yet hilarious thing I have ever seen, and I believe it will go down in history. The bees themselves were terribly created, with cringeworthy CGI to blame. They're not even the reason why this is awesome though. Nicolas Cage's freak out is so funny that I was actually crying from laughing. It is a scene that one has to watch on repeat, because it truly never gets old at all.

Overall, this movie sucks on more levels than any human could imagine. It is one of the laziest efforts I have seen in my entire life, and I don't know how it was released in theaters. At the same time, I could honestly enjoyed laughing at how bad it was. If you do not appreciate watching these awful films, then definitely stay away from this, but if you are in the mood for a laugh, then definitely give it a try because it will do the trick. 

The Hitcher(2007)

7.5/10

"The Hitcher" is a 2007 remake of the 1986 classic with C. Thomas Howell and Rutger Hauer. It hasn't always been loved by fans of the genre, but I personally like it. There was a lot of impressive action and plot twists, and while it wasn't a masterpiece, it was a fun flick to give an adrenaline rush. 

The movie begins by introducing a teenage couple named Grace and Jim. The two are driving to New Mexico for spring break. This scene is good, because it gives the necessary meeting of the main characters, and even though they don't say a whole bunch, they have likable personalities. 

When the night comes, things get strange as a hitchhiker stands in the middle the road, and almost gets hit by their car. The duo drives away quick out of fear, and stops at a gas station. At this stop, they run into the hitcher, and apologize and give him a ride. As they drive, the man gets stranger and stranger, and he then puts a knife up to Grace. After this, the trip intended to be fun becomes a living hell, and the two have to fight for their lives. 

The main characters of this movie were all cast extremely well, because they all got into the roles so much that the viewer forgets it was a movie. Sophia Bush kicked butt as Grace, because in the beginning she gave a weak performance, but then became a very tough and awesome girl. Zachary Knighton was good as Jim, because he was a very likable guy, and he made the audience feel for him a lot. Sean Bean gave an extremely dark, and horrifying performance as "The Hitcher." He made the sadist nature of his character seem so real, and was the ultimate bad guy. He definitely did the Rutgers Hauer role it's Justice. 

The strongest part of the film for me was the action. This movie was a high octane, brutal, and gory thrill ride that sometimes made the viewer cringe. There were stabbings, slit throats, shootings, and one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen(yet I will not explain it for spoiler reasons). I loved the look of all the gore effects, because they were very realistic, unlike many films of recent times. 

The last 25 minutes of the movie were absolutely thrilling, because the chains of events that took place were insane, with a huge twist to top them off. After this scene, things went crazy as the surviving characters had the ultimate showdown with this horrible person. I thought that the ending was very good, although it was pretty predictable. 

The only weakness of the movie was some stupid plot elements. This is kind of typical for a Michael Bay movie, and they were just small little things that didn't add up. The main problem was the arresting of the couple. It could've worked, if Jim hadn't been sitting in the car trying to save the injured man. I think it was really dumb for this to happen, because no murderer would just stay with their crime. This definitely didn't hurt the movie much for me, but it was just something that made me scratch my head. 

Overall, "The Hitcher" is a really good movie. It has an energy to it that isn't found often nowadays, and for the most part it was well made too. It was also a well done remake, because it stayed true to the original, while putting some twists in too. I definitely recommend this to horror fans, because it is an underrated film that will keep you on the edge of your seat the whole time. 

Night of the Living Dead(1990)

9/10

The movie began identically to the 1968 version, with siblings Barbara and Johnnie. The two are going to a cemetery to visit their mother, and Johnnie torments Barbara with jokes. While with the grave, the family sees a mysterious old man coming at them. This man, and another that suddenly appears are zombies. Johnnie is killed while trying to fight it off, but Barbara escapes. She finds an old abandoned house, and is attacked by multiple other zombies. To her luck, a man named Ben and her are able to fight them off. Personally, I loved how the intro was executed, because it had the same shock as the original, and was very well done.  

The rest of the movie showcases the battle that Ben, Barbara, Tom, Judy, and the Cooper family have with the zombies. In order to be successful, they have to learn to put their angers toward each other aside, and become a team. None of them know their fate, and this leaves the audience on the edge of their seats right up until the end. 

The first thing that I absolutely loved about this movie was the makeup by director Tom Savini. The zombies looked great, with realistic blood and prosthetics. I think that this was a huge improvement from the original, because rather than looking just like drunk guys, the zombies were pretty scary and neat. Savini had said before that he involved himself in this because he had never gotten to do the original, and he definitely did great justice in his dream.

The cast was all very awesome, and while some people were hard to like because of the original, some were also actually better. To start things off, Patricia Tallman was far better in the role of Barbara than Judith O'Dea. My reasoning for this is that rather than being the wimpy, annoying, stereotype of a woman, Tallman turned the character into a Sarah Connor of sorts, and she kicked so much butt. She was also much more likable than the other characters, because she helped other people; rather than just helping herself. Tony Todd was pretty great as Ben, and I have such a hard time of putting him and Ariane Jones up against each other that I will call them equal. I thought that the both of them were very tough guys in the role, but I loved how Todd gave a little bit more of a dark insanity in the end. Tom Towles was nowhere near Karl Hardman in the role of Harry Cooper. In the original, the character was definitely a jerk, but there was a subtlety to the character that made the character watchable. In the remake, Towles overplayed the character way too much, and turned him into a spazzy monster. While this worked out in the ending, he really annoyed me for the majority of the film.  I thought that McKee Anderson was a huge improvement in the remake for the character of Helen Cooper. My reason for believing this was that she added a lot more life to the character, instead of the bystander of the original. Even though the character of Karen Cooper really doesn't have any speaking lines, she was probably the most iconic character of the original. In the remake, her name was changed to Sarah, and she was not nearly as scary. Heather Mazur had better makeup effects in her favor, but she lacked the same demonic nature of Kyra Schon. I really liked William Butler as Tom in this film, because was much more likable, and a more prominent role too. Katie Finneran was also better as Judy in this one, because she had much depth to her acting. Finally, Bill Moseley as Johnnie was pretty awesome, because he was very satirical and creepy, even though he was only in the movie for about a minute. 

While this version lacks the graininess and black and white aspects, I felt that their was much more intensity and scary moments. This was because the zombies were much more threatening as the villains, and there was much more tension between the leads. I think that this was a good move, because even though the original was revolutionary with its content, this was a refreshing addition for the new times. 

The movie's ending was completely different than the original, and I thought this was a great move. The 1968 version probably has one my favorite conclusions ever, because of its shocking and merciless nature. This changed very much, because even though there was still a definite darkness and brutal nature, things weren't completely sad. One surprise character survived, and showed that they were strong enough to make it. Also in this sequence, a very sad message is portrayed when the viewer is shown zombies being lynched and tortured as the humans laugh and enjoy it. Even though the monsters definitely needed to be disposed of, they deserved some dignity because it wasn't their fault that they were this way. I was particularly disturbed by this, because it seemed like a social statement of not stooping to an equal or lower level as someone that has hurt you or your loved ones. The film then ended very respectfully, with the same grainy and psychedelic style of credits. I loved the nostalgia of this, because it showed that the filmmakers really had a love for the movie. 

Overall, I thought this was the best remake that has ever been made. Many critics and horror fans called it unnecessary, but I think it was a great shining moment of the genre. The original film has been in my top 5 for a very long time, so I was very skeptical on how much I would like this. In the end, it showed me how much this was needed. I love the original for what it was, but a modern remix was a great idea, because there were so many more resources to be used. In addition to that, I felt that many flaws of the original were even improved on. So definitely check out this movie before jumping on the bandwagon that it is dumb, because you will be very surprised, and not disappointed at all.