The Wicker Man(2006)

3/10

"The Wicker Man"(aka "No Not the Bees") is a 2006 remake of the 1973 masterpiece of the same name. I did not have high standards for this film at all, because I'm not generally a Nicolas Cage fan, and I knew of this movie's terrible reputation. The only reason I own this film is because Amazon sent me it instead of the original by accident. After spending an hour and forty minutes of my time with this schlock, I honestly could not stop laughing. This may be the funniest excuse of cinema I have ever seen, and in an unintentional way. The acting was terrible, the dialogue was about as corny as one could get, and the CGI bees were just horrendous. While the flaws of this movie really docked it down as a horror flick, I definitely enjoyed it as a comedy in every sense. 

The premise of this film revolves around a cop named Edward Malus. He is injured in an explosion right off the bat, and then in the next few minutes he is called upon by his ex-lover Willow to save her missing daughter Rowan. To do this, Edward must travel to an island that is isolated from the rest of the world, and inhabited by a bunch of lunatic women.  I will say that the storyline was pretty awesome, but then I remember that this is a remake, so the plot's greatness doesn't mean squat for this disaster. 

The first curse(or blessing) to this film was the acting. Nicolas Cage didn't surprise me at all with his lackluster performance of 80 minutes monotone and 20 minutes as a completely hilarious lunatic. It makes me scratch my head to think that this same man was an Oscar winner at one point, because he proves to audiences in movies like this that his depth in acting is very very low. I can't say I regret seeing him in this film though, because he honestly gave me the perfect amount of laughter that I needed in my life. I don't even know if Cage realizes how foolish he made himself look in the movie. The women on the island were all very monotone in their performance, and in a sense that was a good and bad thing. In a good sense, it caused more mystery in who they were, but in a bad way it made their dialogue very very dry. 

The dialogue was almost as hysterical as the acting, as it seemed like it was written by a seventh grader. One of the funniest examples is during the climax when the only thing that Cage says is, "B$&@&es" repeatedly. He could've honestly given a memorable line like "A Madhouse" from Planet of the Apes, but no he just spewed out juvenile vulgarities to prove that there was no thought process into making this script. 

The "not the bees" scene/torture scene may be one of the most iconic bad movie scenes I've ever seen, and it's basically the only reason why this movie ever got a 3.  It is the most inappropriately melodramatic yet hilarious thing I have ever seen, and I believe it will go down in history. The bees themselves were terribly created, with cringeworthy CGI to blame. They're not even the reason why this is awesome though. Nicolas Cage's freak out is so funny that I was actually crying from laughing. It is a scene that one has to watch on repeat, because it truly never gets old at all.

Overall, this movie sucks on more levels than any human could imagine. It is one of the laziest efforts I have seen in my entire life, and I don't know how it was released in theaters. At the same time, I could honestly enjoyed laughing at how bad it was. If you do not appreciate watching these awful films, then definitely stay away from this, but if you are in the mood for a laugh, then definitely give it a try because it will do the trick.